OceanFit ®
Home > Satire > New research suggests males scientifically unable to assess swimming speed

New research suggests males scientifically unable to assess swimming speed

Oceanville City Pool is being hailed today for its new policy initiative to reduce the confusion around its lane speed guidelines.

Management issued a statement this afternoon announcing a bold plan to sort swimmers into mystery lanes according to gender.

From Monday, there will be no lane speed signs on the end of the pool, instead, the lane speed allocation will be displayed inside the changing rooms.

In the female changing room, the speed will be the opposite to that which the males will be seeing. For example, lane one might be allocated “Slow” for the females and “Fast” for the males.

To avoid the men working out a pattern, the lane allocation will change daily.

The issue had come to a head recently when new research suggested that males were significantly overestimating their swimming speed and placing themselves at risk of making a fool out of themselves.

A group of local faster swimmers commissioned the research after being regularly held up in the fast lane by males swimming in lanes well above their pace.

“It turns out that males are scientifically unable to correctly assess their own speed,” said the pool manager.

“They simply think they’re faster than they really are.”

“It was quite an eye-opener, initially we just assumed it was their ego that was stopping them from swimming in the right lane for their speed, but it turns out that they just can’t help it.”

Tumble Turner, one of the faster swimmers, said she often lapped confused men twice in a single length, and that in the past she has had to flip turn off the stomachs of guys languishing at the end of the lane.

“They can’t help themselves,” said Turner

“They see the fast lane as an aspirational speed and not reality. It’s really sad.”

The new policy comes after a previous attempt by a nearby Council to rename the lane speeds to better reflect the speed expectation. In that controversial trial, the fast lane speed was renamed “Being a fast cyclist or having a huge watch watch does not make you a fast swimmer”, the medium lane speed was renamed the lengthier ‘For females who think they’re slow but are to modest and males who think they’re fast but are clearly delusional”, and the slow lane speed renamed the simpler “Yes males can swim in this lane”.



  • Alternative solution; freestyle pace:
    1.slower than 2:15 per 100
    2.2:15 pace per 100
    3.2:00 pace per 100
    4. 1:45 pace per 100
    5. 1:30 pace per 100
    6. 1:15 pace per 100 or faster

  • I guess it’s not really an issue for me, as I mainly go when it’s dead quiet and there’s plenty of free lanes. That being said though, there have been some let’s say, interesting sessions when I’ve gone after work. I really don’t think it’s exclusively just a male thing though, I’ve been held up by both boys and girls. The chances of you sharing a lane with someone of your exact skill level is very low.


Upcoming Ocean Swims

Sep 01
Sep 28
Oct 20
Oct 20

Follow Us

Don't be shy, get in touch. We love meeting interesting people and making new friends.

Season runs from 1 Oct to 30 April. Some contact out of season.

Be informed

Join 11k+ swimmers who hear about upcoming ocean swims & get tips from us

Every swim, every state. 220+ swims!

Essential SSL